http://paulstoecklein.blogs.com/
June 09, 2008
Princess Linda
The following is a true story…
Once upon a time, there lived a really large Catholic family in a big yellow castle in the kingdom of Colby. There was the King, the Queen, six princes, two princesses, and a dog named Vincent. They were very happy, except on Fridays when they all had to eat fishsticks in order to avoid eternal damnation.
One sister was named Princess Mary, and the other Princess Linda. One night, the two girls were in their room, saying their prayers as they had always been taught. This meant saying the Rosary, including lots and lots of Hail Marys…
Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with thee… Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners…
The best part of the Rosary is the part just after you have already said 3,870 Hail Marys. There's a really short pause, and then… you keep saying 500,000 more Hail Marys. That part is awesome.
Somewhere in the middle of the Rosary, Princess Linda began to cry and cry and cry. Her mother the Queen heard the sobbing, walked up to the girls' room, and asked, "Linda, why are you crying?"
Princess Linda replied, "Because there’s no Holy Linda Mother of God."
The Queen suppressed her laughter and comforted Princess Linda. And she told her, "It’s not about you."
Now, in those days, princes and princesses had to get jobs. Though they often tried, they weren’t allowed to sit around all day and watch Dancing with the Stars, like princes and princesses can do today.
So Princess Linda set out to seek her fortune.
Unfortunately, the kingdom of Colby was not very large, which meant there were not a lot of jobs to choose from. Some of her brothers found jobs on a hog farm, where they planted, watered, and grew hogs. Another brother found employment in a sporting goods store. Others mowed lawns and cleaned the offices at Great Plains Electric. Her sister, Princess Mary, worked as a supermarket checkout clerk. By this time, there was only one job left in the kingdom for Princess Linda—wiping the butts of old people at a rest home.
"I don’t want to wipe the butts of old people," said Princess Linda. "I don’t even know how to get down there to do it. No. I do not want to wipe old people butts."
That’s when the words of her mother came back to her.
It’s not about you.
So Princess Linda took the job and wiped the old butts. This made the old people very happy, and there was much rejoicing.
The old people loved Princess Linda very much and they said to her, "There’s no forest in the juice bag if feet like a pineapple can." For they were all senile. Princess Linda just smiled and wiped their butts.
About this time, many of the eligible young men of the kingdom began to take great notice of Princess Mary, who had beautiful golden brown hair, which the Queen had permed in the kitchen with the help of a million tiny little curlers. Soon, Princess Mary was talking on the phone with boys for hours and attending dances and being invited to go steady for two whole weeks at a time.
Princess Linda, who had bright red hair, was envious.
"Why can’t I have 40 boyfriends?" she asked. "Why doesn’t anyone take me to a dance? Why can’t I have golden brown hair? Why can’t I have a perm that makes me look like I’ve been electrocuted?"
She was sad, but then she heard the words of her mother again.
It’s not about you.
Then one day, a horrible thing happened. The Queen died.
Princess Linda cried and cried and cried. The villagers brought many casseroles to the castle, for they were very sad too. But the casseroles did not help Princess Linda feel any better. In fact, some of the casseroles were not very good. Some of the casseroles tasted like ass. But they were casseroles created with love. So Princess Linda and her family ate those casseroles.
Soon, the casseroles were gone. There was no food left. The King tried to cook. That didn’t work out so good. He thought he could make eggs, but let me assure you that he could not. They were always burned and greasy and slimey.
This made Princess Linda and the others very sad. But she ate the eggs anyway.
It’s not about you.
Before long, the diet of the King and his children consisted entirely of meals at the Deep Rock Café and Knights of Columbus Pancake Feeds in the basement of Sacred Heart Catholic Church.
The King was sad and lonely. He wanted and needed help.
One day, during a Knights of Columbus Pancake Feed in the church basement, the King found someone who occasionally dressed up as a clown in order to scare small children. The clown’s name was Beelzebarb.
The King thought, Hey, clowns are nice. Clowns are friendly. Clowns know how to cook. I will ask this clown to marry me, and all will be well again.
But as we all know, not all clowns are good. Some clowns are creepy. Some clowns are evil. Some clowns were born from the seed of Satan and sent to the earth to inflict great harm and spread disease. Beelzebarb was just such a clown, although the King surely did not know it at the time.
Like the other children, Princess Linda thought Beelzebarb was very scary. She did not want the King to marry Beelzebarb, no matter how good her casseroles might be. But she loved her father and didn’t want him to be lonely.
It’s not about you.
Beelzebarb moved into the big yellow castle and immediately began spraying demon clown spooge on the walls to mark her territory.
Princess Linda wanted to leave the castle and the kingdom for good. She did not care for Beelzebarb and her demon clown spooge.
One day, Princess Linda almost decided to leave. But she knew this would also mean leaving behind little Princess Mary and her two youngest brothers, Prince Bob and Prince Doug. So Princess Linda stayed as long as she could bear it.
It’s not about you.
Then one day, out of nowhere, a prince named John came along. Prince John was no ordinary prince. For he was tall, dark, and handsome, and he had a moustache too. And he was in search of a princess.
"But I do not want just any old princess," said Prince John. "I seek a princess with beautiful red hair."
"I have beautiful red hair," said Princess Linda.
"So you do," said Prince John. "But I also seek a princess who is like the ligers of old, bred for their skills in magic."
"I know how to sew, kind of."
"Good enough," said Prince John.
"But most importantly I seek the weirdest princess in the land. I mean really weird. I’m talking bizarre. I want a princess who will make people squint their eyes, tilt their heads, and say 'I don’t get it.'"
"Yay, that’s me!!!" shouted Princess Linda.
And so Prince John became engaged to Princess Linda.
But soon, another tragedy befell Princess Linda and her family. The King died. Once again, there was much crying in the kingdom and a dark cloud formed over the land. Villagers attempted to bring casseroles to the castle, but Beelzebarb shot lasers out of her eyes and struck the villagers dead.
Soon, however, the day of the wedding came. Prince John combed his moustache, put on his white tuxedo, and spray painted his black shoes to match. Princess Linda wore a beautiful white dress and fluffed up her red hair just like Donna Mills on Knot’s Landing. Then Princess Linda and Prince John were married in a church with very red carpet. There was much rejoicing.
Beelzebarb infiltrated the wedding and attempted to spray her demon clown spooge on the festivities, but Princess Linda used her skills in magic to repel it.
Princess Linda was now free to live in peace with the prince known as John. She was very happy.
Soon, Princess Linda learned that her new husband had two great talents. First, he was very skilled at volunteering for anything and everything. Second, he could manage to hit four or five deer or coyotes each year while driving on Kansas highways.
She discovered that such poor driving skills meant many blood-soaked roads and high automobile repair costs.
She also realized that having such a generous husband meant that she must also be generous. And this often meant giving a great deal of time, money, and effort. Sometimes way more than she felt like giving.
In fact, one day Prince John said to Princess Linda, "Okay, so there are these two Chinese kids, and they really need parents…"
"Huh?"
I mean, who lives in Kansas and adopts two Chinese kids? I don’t even send a check to the March of Dimes when they mail me free address labels. Who does something like that? Princess Linda and Prince John do.
It’s not about you.
As for Princess Linda, her career path moved from wiping old peoples’ butts to wiping little kids’ butts. She became a teacher.
Some of the children were spawned by demons and carried the mark of the beast. And some days, Princess Linda wanted to give up entirely.
It’s not about you.
Some of the parents shared the same DNA as Beelzebarb and attempted to lay demon eggs during the full moons of Parent-Teacher Conferences. Princess Linda’s powerful skills in magic were barely enough on some occasions. And she wondered if she should leave the children and return to wiping the butts of senior citizens. But she stayed.
Every single day, Princess Linda woke up, packed two lunches, and walked to school. She always packed two lunches just in case some little kid—demon spawn or not—did not have a lunch that day. And rather than add to the kid’s humiliation, she would always whack her hand against her head and say, "I’m such a dummy! Look what I did. I brought two lunches by mistake today. Now who am I going to get to help me eat all of this food?!"
It’s not about you.
Princess Linda had found her place. She had found happiness.
All seemed well.
Then one day, not so long ago, on a terrible Saturday morning, Princess Linda died.
She wasn’t old. She was still very young and beautiful. Sometimes that’s how princesses die.
And when she died, the men came along with their tools and took half her organs, which she said they could have to give to others who might need them. When they were finished, only half a princess remained.
It’s not about you.
And all across the land, the people gathered to mourn. Hundreds, even thousands more, grieved from afar. There was much crying and sadness, from the very young to the very old. Each life had been impacted in some way by the weird little red-haired princess.
The villagers looked lost. They didn’t know what to do or say. Many put their hands in their heads and sobbed. Prince Bob wanted to crawl into a dark closet all by himself and die. They all wanted to give up. But then they saw her face and heard her laugh one more time.
It’s not about you.
In Memory of Linda Stoecklein Holzhuter (March 16, 1964 - May 31, 2008)
